The Morning Routine of a Self Help Guru

Image by Angela Yuriko Smith from Pixabay

The self help guru — let’s call him Brian— wakes up at 3.45AM after two hours sleep, and downs a glass of lemon water he prepared the night before. Fully hydrated, he makes his bed and then does does a quick 40 minute yoga session in which he aligns his chakras (he’s feeling his Solar Plexus chakra, or power chakra, is particularly aligned this morning).

Brian then ventures into the kitchen and pours himself a Bulletproof™ coffee— he hasn’t eaten since 4PM the day before because he is into intermittent fasting because he is better than you — and makes some notes in his bullet journal. He spends 20 minutes arranging his journal and his coffee mug in an aesthetically pleasing way for his daily Instagram post. By the time Brian has posted the picture, along with a quick motivational pep talk, his coffee has gone cold. He pours the cold coffee down the sink and makes another (instant with cream and sugar).

Then he turns on a motivational podcast on full volume and works out for an hour in his living room. Brian doesn’t have to worry about waking anyone up — he lives alone because he hasn’t been able to find a girlfriend who is willing to put up with his demanding schedule. But that’s okay — it’s their loss. And anyway, he knows that relying on other people to make him happy is a weakness— Brian learnt that at a three day Tony Robbins workshop he attended a few months back. Sure, it was expensive, but it was so worth it.

Still, he recites a few affirmations in time to his press ups (“I deserve love and I receive it in abundance”) … you know, just in case.

After his workout he heads for the shower. He steps in and allows himself ten seconds of warm water (because you have to allow yourself some luxuries in life) and then turns the temperature control as far cold as it goes, and spends the next two minutes performing his shower routine at superhuman speed. The cold shower is supposed to be good for blood flow or something, but Brian finds it is an excellent way to boost his shower efficiency. To think, he used to waste twenty minutes every morning just standing there, enjoying the feel of the hot water as it flowed over his back. Brian laughs. What a waste.

He steps out of the shower and while he is brushing his teeth, Brian notices that the tips of his toes have turned an unnerving shade of blue. He spits into the sink and wiggles them around until the life comes back into them. Then he goes back into the kitchen and makes another cup of coffee and huddles his fingers around the warm mug until he has some feeling in them again.

Brian is writing a self help book because his aim is to be a millionaire before he is 30, and he wants to get a few hours work in before he has to head off to his day job, so he pulls out his laptop and sits on the floor (he is a minimalist so he doesn’t own a desk) and spends the next two hours pounding furiously on the keys. It doesn’t really matter what he is writing or whether it’s any good, what really matters that he is being PRODUCTIVE. By 8AM he has written 5,000 words about the benefits of cold showers.

At exactly 8:25AM, he switches off his laptop and heads for the door. By now his stomach is rumbling — it has been a whole 16 hours since he last ate. Brian curses — he was hoping to make it to midday before he ate anything today, but it doesn’t look like he’s going to make it. He’s supposed to be sticking to a keto diet at the moment, but he knows that he is going to be passing the donut shop on the way to work. A quick google search confirms they are open.

With that thought, he picks up a packet of mint chewing gum — it wouldn’t do for his colleagues to smell the chocolate on his breath — and heads out the door.

Fiction editor — House sitter. Short story/flash fiction writer. Vegan.

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